TOP SECRET CREDULOUS EYES ONLY

I am distressed at the shocking lack of faith shown by so many people in the exposé of Donald Trump’s Russian connections recently published on BuzzFeed. Judging by the sceptics’ attitudes, you’d think that the report was written by some vacuum cleaner salesman trying to earn a little bit of money to pay for his daughter’s pony club membership. As if!! Human intelligence compiled from anonymous sources is known to be the most reliable basis on which to form judgements about important events. Nothing else provides such detailed insider information from the very heart of enemy institutions.

It is time people knew the truth. I have decided that it is necessary to reveal my own notes from underground (scribbled on a table napkin in invisible ink this morning and just now squirted with lemon juice). I cannot, of course, identify my sources, but I might suggest that you look up Richard Meinertzhagen’s ‘dirty paper method’ (see footnote). I can also claim that I have access to the highest echelons of the Russian government through somebody who knows somebody, who is related to somebody, who went to school with somebody, whose neighbour sharpens Vladimir Putin’s hockey skates.

These sources of mine tell me that the plot to place Donald Trump in the White House was hatched not five years ago as claimed in the BuzzFeed report, but 13 years ago at an exclusive banya in Sokolniki.

According to Source BS, the concept for what became known as Operatsiia Tuz emerged during a sweaty discussion over a dozen bottles of vodka, when oligarch Viktor Bogatyi announced that he had an idea for a new television show. Aspiring kleptocrats would audition for a job as Bogatyi’s assistant and the losers would be eliminated one by one with his famous catchphrase ‘You’re shot!’ Hearing this, a senior GRU agent, Max Otto von Stierlitz, after a pause of seventeen moments, suggested an alternative. Why not, said Stierlitz, pass the idea for the TV show on to Donald Trump to use as a vehicle for making himself popular among the American people? It would be the perfect mechanism to gradually push the Donald into a position from which he could become President of the United States of America. The rest, as they say, is history.

Source VK adds that the FSB later tried to compromise Trump during a stay in Moscow at the Ritz Carlton Hotel. To this end, the FSB tried to lure him into a liaison with a woman from Leningrad, alluringly dressed up in Louboutin shoes and truly awesome jeans. Unfortunately, Trump refused to be compromised, preferring instead the company of a respectable lady with a lapdog. An attempt to get Trump intoxicated at a drinks stand in Patriarch’s Pond also failed when the stand turned out not to have any drinks, and Trump got distracted by a large black cat.

In a final twist, Source RT reveals that the FSB’s active measures unit decided to turn Operatsiia Tuz into a classic provokatsiia, building on years of experience in maskirovka. As part of a subordinate operation, (Operatsiia Tresk), a former KGB agent known only as Opperput arranged for details of Operatsiia Tuz to be leaked to the American Democratic Party. The expectation was that the Democratic Party would covertly pass the information to the press, which would use it to defame Donald Trump. The final step would then be to feed the full details directly to the public once Trump won the presidency, thereby revealing the Democrats’ dirty tricks and exposing their willingness to plumb the lowest depths of political sleaze. This final stage of Operatsiia Tuz reached its brilliant climax with the BuzzFeed story yesterday.

Due to the highly sensitive nature of the contents above, readers are advised to shred themselves immediately upon finishing this report.

 

Footnote: See Richard Occleshaw, Armour against Fate: British Military Intelligence in the First World War. Meinertzhagen recorded in his diary how he rescued Grand Duchess Tatiana Nikolaevna from Ekaterinburg in a small plane in 1918. His famous honesty, which extended also to his extensive (and not at all fraudulently assembled) bird collection, is testimony to the immense trustworthiness of former British intelligence officers. I assure readers that everything in this report is equally reliable.

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14 thoughts on “TOP SECRET CREDULOUS EYES ONLY”

  1. The US is moving towards ‘banana republic with conspiracy theories on steroids’ status faster than I thought imaginable half a year ago. I’ll see what it’s really like on the ground as I’m going there in six months. If by that time there is still regular passenger air service that is.

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    1. “The US is moving towards ‘banana republic with conspiracy theories on steroids’ status faster than I thought imaginable half a year ago.”

      No, it’s just the Ukraine level. I mean, their fake and insane news are so widespread in their “Media” that are actually the norm.

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  2. “According to Source BS, the concept for what became known as Operatsiia Tuz”

    Applause! Bravo, Professor!

    But I think while your theory is truly in the vein of the mainstream claims by the Chattering and Thinking Massess of the West (and also would be highly handshakable should any Repectable News Service ™ run it), it is not truly conspiratorial! We must go deeper!

    How much deeper, you ask? Well, hold tight on your tinfoil hats, open your Chakras and throw away haloperidol – we are going really, really deep! Want a proof that this mnogokhodovochka’s original Inception began longer than anyone claims by now? Five, thirteen years ago, you say? Pfah!

    Look at this pic:

    This is from the Soviet animated adaptation of “”The Wonderful Adventures of Nils (1955). This animation features despicable Russian-Soviet propaganda – the exploitation of the wild geese and utterly merciless massacre of the peaceful moderate rats (why the PETA is silent?!) – done at the hands of the protagonist… who bears striking resemblance to then young DJT!

    Want another proof? Here is a screenshot from the Soviet adaptation of O. Henry’s Strictly Business (Part III “The Ransom of Red Chief”) of 1962. Look at this pic:

    Both the short story and the movie ends with this scene:


    – How long can you hold him? asks Bill.
    – I’m not as strong as I used to be, – says old Dorset, – but I think I can promise you ten minutes.
    – Enough, – says Bill. – In ten minutes I shall cross the Central, Southern and Middle Western States, and be legging it trippingly for the Canadian border.
    And, as dark as it was, and as fat as Bill was, and as good a runner as I am, he was a good mile and a half out of summit before I could catch up with him.”

    Remember how all sane, Adorable, faaabulous and hadnshakable people of the USA planned to emigrate to Canada if Trump will win? Coincidence?! I don’t think so!

    So, ladies and gentlemen jurors, we have before us the irrefutable proof that DJT had been chosen as an asset of the Russo-Soviet KGB/FSB long-long time ago. We can even safely claim knowing that no one will be able to disprove us, that this father Mr. Trump the Elder had placed an atomic bomb beneath the foundation of the Republic by giving life to his son.

    Are your tinfoil hats still on? Good, because we are about to have a Shyamalan Plot Twist!

    I, the press secretary of the moderately-radical movement “Cranberry Jihad”, Niqud ad-Din ibn Sallah al-Lytteni, acting on behalf of our spiritual leader Jose Zade Zadum ibn Zadahm, is ready to make an important announcement! Bismillāhi rraḥmāni rraḥīmi, we, “Клюквенный Д///ихад” take the responsibility for the election of Donald Trump as the President of the United States. Actually, his real name is emir (now sultan) Danuld at-Trumphun Jun ben Abdullah al-Quincy. Look at him making a takbir sign at his press conferences:

    Inshallah! For our help in his elections, he promised to:

    1) Ban the “Oktoberfest” in Germany as an epitome of haram consuming and relocate it to Russia.
    2) Make the Buckingham Palace guards during the change of the guard dance lezginka.
    3) Close down all McDonalds, Starbucks, Subways etc in the USA and replace them with shaurma stalls of the “Uncle Rafiq Shaverma House” franchise.
    4) Devote all brainpower of numerous research institutes in the US to breed a halal version of the pig… which won’t be sold to Israel, ma sha Allah!
    5) Appoint senator-sahib Abu Jan al-McCaini the ambassador to Vietnam.

    Now – you know the truth! Astagfir allāh!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Paul, what do you make of the following?

    As an alternative hypothesis, I would suggest that the “retired MI6 agent” was known by the Russians, and fed an enormous pile of bullshit on purpose. 
    This would have had 3 goals, 
    1: Scandal proof trump by creating a “scandal” where he can prove his accusers to be factually wrong. This would greatly increase Trumps ability to deflect and defeat scandals that are actually real in the future. 
    2: Overall damage the credibility of media dumb enough to publish it, the Russians can reasonably guess that media who would publish it are media hostile to Russia anyway. 
    3: To lead people interested in Trumps scandals on a wild, expensive an ineffective goose chase chasing fake scandals, which means they are not chasing real scandals instead. 
    This would actually be some pretty simple, effective and nearly risk free disinformation that is quite in line with what Russian services generally do.

    I think it is more likely that the whole thing is just bullshit, because incompetence and bullshit is a more likely explanation for something than “clever sekrit megamaskirovka by the cunning Russians”.

    I also think that, too many people, this explanation will be more convincing then “Trump didnt do it”.

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    1. Ha, I had the same thought (here, for example).

      But then I realized that in the current environment there is no way “he can prove his accusers to be factually wrong” — as a ‘narrative’, I mean. Even if he was accused of – I dunno – Satan worshiping, the ‘narrative’ would be ‘Trump denies being a Satan worshiper’.

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    2. A provocation of the sort you describe would be too unpredictable – too easy for it to backfire. More likely this is just a case of some guy speaking to some guys who told him a lot of rumours, which he then wrote down without any attempt to verify.

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